Finding Peace

My life seems to be continuously full of chaos and stress, especially over the past year; there are days when I just don’t know if I can take much more. In fact during the past six months, when I am in the confines of my room away from little ears, I found myself collapsed on the floor sobbing – a rarity for a strong independent woman who has built a shield against this type of emotion.  

This stress and awful internal angst, although partly a result of outside sources, is as equally a consequence of my own actions and choices. When you know you are responsible for some of the hell you are experiencing it is harder to overcome the pain and anger.  

As a result I initially found myself becoming extremely negative, angry and bitter.  Unfortunately these emotions were not limited to my own misery. It took someone telling me attitude was affecting others for me to step back (after I thought a few profanities under my breath).  I read through my statements I had posted and some of the emails I had wrote and I was sick inside.  The ugliness I was experiencing inside was being oozed out to those around me, and I was disgusted – this is not the person I am.

Which led to my first self-assessment on my front porch a few months ago; when I made my first goal – to work on a more positive outlook.  It was and still is an uphill battle to keep my chin up and to trudge ahead through all the *beep* and vile emotions that comes with divorce.

Through my quest to have a good attitude I discovered the way to do this is to look outside myself.  When you are no longer consumed with what is going on in your little world you start to truly see.  The world is full of happiness, joy and good people and you realize how much you have been missing.

I also realized that there is just as much sorrow and pain; so much it makes what I am going through seemed insignificant.  There were individuals who were desperately in need – and my biggest awakening is when I knew I could help them.  

The more I gave of myself, the more I started to feel peace, a condition I had unknowingly been seeking all along. Not peace as between two entities, which I thought is what I wanted, but a true calmness within my heart.  A softening of the turmoil that was raging within my soul – I began to feel like the true person I know I am inside.

Even if it was a small act like bringing a neighbors garbage can in from the street, helping a mother juggle her children in the store, letting a car in front of you in rush hour traffic or just listening to a friend in need, the tranquility  that filled my life started to balance out the torment  of my situation. 

This became clearer today, as I was talking to a friend who seemingly has a much easier path in life right now and I realized that given the chance, I would not trade him. 

Tonight as I held my son when he fell asleep and looked at his beautiful sleeping face, I knew that I found the secret to my midnights clear,  and I knew a key to gain more moments of calm in my tempests storm.

So I pass a challenge on to my many friends, and not just during this Holiday season when messages of giving and peace are abundant; look beyond yourself for opportunities to make a small difference in another person’s life.  Whether you are seeking it or not, by doing this, you too can be touch by this calmness from the ultimate example of serenity – The Prince of Peace.

Space Invader

When traveling via airplane there are certain unwritten courtesies to personal space, especially when in coach. There is nothing fun about being jammed into a small area with strangers for long flights. It’s like playing the lottery as you watch the people file in, and guess which ones will, and which one you hope will not become your future seat mates.

I always try to book the window exit row for the leg room and ability to lean against the wall and sleep. A lot of times I end up getting upgraded to first class so I don’t have to play seat lotto too often.  However, when I change my flight at the last minute to come home a day early and there was only one middle seat left – I knew I was in for trouble.

As the passengers boarded the plane my seat mates joined me in row 24; one very thin man to my right (sitting in my coveted window spot) and an average man to my left.  Doors were closed, final preparations were made throughout the cabin and soon we were airborne on our four and a half hour journey back to Utah.

The first task when in this situation is determining arm rest dominance – an important task for the middle-seat person. I quickly staked claim to the thin man’s side knowing I could over power him easily since I was twice his size. The average man just offered his up. I was like a queen in my thrown with two arm rests in my property.

After a week of long hours trying to get the shuttle launch, while trying to keep up with everyone at home, I was exhausted and airplanes have a way of soothing me to sleep. So I leaned my chair back (the entire inch those things recline) and I closed my eyes and quickly fell asleep.

I am not sure what I was dreaming about that cause me to suddenly jerk awake throwing every limb into a upward motion. This spastic twitch is not a good feeling when it happens in your bed, let alone when you are trap in the itty bitty space of an airplane. Being rather long-legged I felt my legs slam the seat in front of me, I am sure sending that person hurdling forward as I simultaneously hit both seat mates with my arms.

I profusely apologized to all those affected by abrupt seizure-like awakening. Average man just asked if I was okay, showing some concern. Thin man said nothing and moved even closer to the window (I believe he was already afraid of me after I commandeered his arm rest).

After two more jerk awakes – neither as damaging as the first – I decided I was too tired and it was too dangerous for me to sleep in such close quarters.  I turned on my TV in front of me and started watching an episode of Seinfeld – my eyes grew heavy...

I awoke to the sound of the pilot asking the flight attendants to prepare the cabin for landing, and I realized I was not totally in an upright position. I quickly assessed the situation. I had moved my legs to the side with them stretch into skinny’s area and my head was resting on the shoulder of the guy in 24C. I had to have been asleep for at least 2 hours.

As I lifted my head up I noticed the small area of what could only be drool I left on average man’s shoulder – I wanted to die. Red faced, I apologized to him for my total invasion of his space as he pumped his fist trying to get the blood back to his finger tips. He just smiled and said, “No worries it could have been worse.” and gestured his eyes over to very thin man who had all but flatten himself against the wall in avoidance.

I realized that I had just become my worst nightmare…a space invader.