Independence Day

I knew this holiday weekend was going to be cut short as I needed to fly out today in order to support the last launch of the Space Shuttle. In fact with a launch of another rocket earlier in the week, I was afraid I might miss this weekend with my little trio all together.  Luckily all the technical and weather constraints were within requirements, we launched, and I was able to get home to my babies and plan a fun-filled weekend!

We started the adventure by picking out a line-up of movies to end each night with, ensured we had an adequate stock of popcorn and brain stormed what activities we wanted to do.

The first night we decided to go out to eat. Of course their first restaurant of choice was McDonalds; however, I talked them into going to the “diving place” also known as the Mayan – but due to poor navigation, we drove pass Classic Skate, a place my children were recently introduced to. 

My Trio chimed in with the “pleeeeease,” complete with big glossy cute eyes. My daughter even tried the, I’ll trade for doing extra chores routine.  I held strong. I knew they loved the diving place too, plus Mexican food sounded so good to me – after my 3-year-old started to cry, I broke.  For the first time in decades, I found myself with a pair of roller skates strapped to my feet – laughing right along with my crew as we skated in circles.

The weekend progressed with homemade breakfast every morning, followed by a plan of attack for the day and watching the scheduled movie each night. Hanging with my children without any distraction was incredible – I discover something profound within each of them. 

My oldest daughter is becoming very quick-witted, with most of her sarcasm seems to be directed at me – I found myself laughing at her flood of comments.  As I pulled through a parking spot for ease of leaving, she said, “fake backing again.”  The girl knows I can’t reverse into the parking spot for the life of me. When we were watching one of the movies that had a touching part, she stated to her siblings, “And mom will start crying right….now.”  And they all looked on queue to see me wiping my eyes.

I learned my sweet Belle is very protective of her siblings. I always knew Belle had a big heart, but had no idea she would stand up so bravely to protect her siblings. I watched her put herself between what she thought was an approaching threat to her little brother, shielding him. She even defended her older sister, which was more of a shock since at times they can be best of friends, but they also have mastered the art of sibling civil war.

My new found insight to my little man came yesterday morning when he came into my room to inform me that the sun was awake.  He crawled into bed with me and asked, “are you staying home today.”  When I answered “yes!,”’ he replied excitedly, “Oh thank you Mom!” As I was a getting ready to leave today he started to unpack my suitcase and begged me not to go.  I realized he recognizes when I am gone and longs for me to be home, something I thought was not as noticeable to someone so young.

So with this weekend filled with roller skating, a fake barbeque (I don’t have a grill), swimming, picnic, jumping on the tramp to music, chalk drawings on the patio, amusement park, and fireworks I learned something about me – I am happy.

I thought back to a year ago, and how dramatically different my life was then – in fact, I find it ironic the drastic comparison.  So many negative memories and emotions are fading now, hearts are healing, and a once tense relationship between my ex and I has began to soften. The effects of these changes are also noticeable in my Trio, they are more at ease and back experiencing life as they should, as children unburden by adult cares.

As I watched my children’s faces light-up under the glow of our fireworks, I realized Independence Day has a new meaning in my life.  One of peace, love, joy and especially hope for an amazing future with the most incredible children God has entrusted to me.  

Broken not Defeated

Thanks to a faulty switchbox in Space Shuttle Endeavour that scrubbed Friday’s launch, I had a work-free day in Florida where I was able to get in another round of reflection; this time on Mother Nature’s front porch of Cocoa Beach overlooking the ocean.   

So in a rare moment of complete alone time I sat on the beach and began my self-evaluation. I found that being surrounded by the sounds of the ocean waves, children playing, even the festive Spanish music coming from a family’s boom-box nearby was the perfect setting to reflect.

As I looked at the calm sea with it shallow waves, I knew that given the right conditions that can change. Those innocent waves can become one of the most powerful forms of destruction on this planet, in fact scars and remnants from past hurricanes can still be seen when you look around this area.  I thought about past storms that have hit the country with deadly results, such as Katrina, and I wondered why some people chose not to heed the warnings.  

I started making a mental list of maybe why some people did not flee when they had the chance.  Maybe they were too proud, they thought they were wiser than those predicting the storm, or they felt they could protect themselves.  They might have been physically unable, didn’t feel they had anywhere to go, they chose not to listen to their instincts or even worst they were afraid.  I could not imagine the justification when it is dealing with your life – or can I?

Like a swelling wave I turned those judgments inward, why do I struggle with listening to my instincts – one of my biggest faults.  There have been so many occasions in my life when I presented similar rational as I was making major life decisions – I can overcome, it’s not that bad, I don’t need to run, I am smarter than those who have informed me of the potential dangers, I am the one in charge.   

The problem is when I do not listen and override those instincts with justifications, I get hurt and I now have the potential of also hurting three little hearts who do not deserve that pain.  Like hurricane scars on the coastline, those storms have the potential to do permanent damage, although it may not be noticeable to the novice.  The hardest scars to heal are ones you can’t see or worst the ones we try to hide.

I know I am not alone in this painful self-wounding process of ignoring what needs to be done versus what is we know is right.  I have many friends who struggle down the same path only to watch them succumb to becoming a victim of their choices.  Unfortunately this happens often with women; we guide our choices by our heart and are often willing to overlook our instincts in hopes of finding that happy ending we all seek. 

These beautiful bright women make choices to be with people just to fill a void. Some enable themselves to be at the mercy and control of another out of pure fear, while I know some dear friends trade their happiness for not wanting to hurt another.  These women, like me at one time, hide in the shadows, afraid others may see their failures and learn they are truly broken. 

During the one of darkest time in my divorce last summer, when I could no longer hide what was happening in my house, a major thunderstorm hit.  My sister and I were woken by the sounds of the wind, rain, lighting and resulting thunder.  We watched out the window trying what to decide to do, when we saw it – the tree in my front yard had been broke in half from the fierceness of the storm. 

The next morning when the sun rose and I surveyed damage, the tree was so broken, I thought it was a total loss – the tears fell.  Because of the turmoil I was going through, I felt like that tree was a reflection of myself and I questioned if I would emotional survive the storm – I was broken and had almost lost all hope.

A few weeks later I noticed the tiny thin limb growing from the tall brown stump with buds of leaves, and by the last fall five or six branches and leaves adorned the scared tree – hope started to fill my soul. Now every time I sit on my front porch and looked at the tree it is a reminder of that I can overcome.

I am learning to listen to my instincts, to listen those friends and family who see the storm approaching and to learn how to control fear instead of letting it control me. I have made decisions I knew were right; and felt empowered when later they were later validated, but I still have a long way to go.

So although I know I am broken and I cannot hide it; I also know I can overcome and be stronger – even if it means growing one small branch at a time.

The Sandbox

I turned to this blog tonight as I struggle with a concept we learned on the playground when we were toddlers – sharing.

The past couple weeks I have had the opportunity to have some extra time with my children, especially my son, as I was able to have him two weekends in a row.  But it wasn’t only the extra time to play with them, but also the lack of distractions.

The divorce was final last month, which seemed to almost erase overnight the year-long angst and animosity.  Also during this time, work projects were a little lighter, so I actually was able to get home either on time or earlier for a refreshing change.  Taking those small diversions away seemed to just open up this world of enjoyment with my children.

We did not do anything major; just sincerely enjoyed one another’s company and quality time, whether playing the Wii or having fun talks about their lives. Friday night I took extra time with each one of my children as they fell asleep, crawled into bed with them and just held them.  To Dax this is normal – it is part of his bedtime routine – but my girls usually get a kiss as I tuck them into bed.  So as I climbed in with each of them they were both a little taken back but immediately loved the added attention.   

With no school Monday, my girls asked if they could go visit their grandma (my former mother-in-law and still great friend) for a sleepover. Even though I did not want them to go I said yes, knowing how much they love their grandparents and vice versa.  I also thought it would be a good opportunity to take Dax to Ryan’s Place Park in Logan, Utah.  A memorial park dedicated to Ryan Adams, who died in a drowning accident when he was two.  I was able to help participate in its development through an ATK donation to build a rocket.  What I did not know at the time when I helped build and paint this rocket, was that my little guy was there with me too – I found out a couple weeks later I was pregnant.

Even with icy cold temperatures and wind today in Logan, I bundled up Dax, replaced my heels with tennis shoes and hit the sidewalk running.  It was amazing hearing the excitement in his voice as we ran played, “look mom it’s your rocket…let’ drive the boat…come on mom you can fit, just duck down…can you push me higher!”  For almost two-hours and to the point my fingers were numb from the cold, we played together.  

I was pushing him on the tire swing and then “accidently” standing in its path so it would send me hurtling forward, resulting in an intense belly-laugh from my sweet son.  That sound was the very reason this park was built – so that sweet melody would be carried on by other children in memory of a little boy whose short life was full of laughter.

 It was in this moment as I heard his laughter, watched the pure joy in his face and his imagination in full force, I could not imagine a different life.  I thought of those who despise and have no desire to have children and I felt sorry for them; they have no concept of how much life they are missing.  If you truly want to discover the world, there is no better way than watching it unfold through your children’s eyes.

So tonight when Dax’s dad asked if he could see him – he had been missing him –  I knew I needed to take him. Dax put his arm around his dad and was excited to see him; he asked him if he could go to his house. His dad responded it is up to his mom.  I did not want to let him go, even after having such an amazing day with him. My girls were already gone and I was looking forward to holding him and watching him fall asleep. I did not want to share him tonight.   

I knew I was being selfish as I tried to come up with an excuse why he needed to stay with me; after all it was my time.  The more I tried, the more I knew I had to let him go. Even my sister noticed the defeated look on my face as I came home without my children.

I have always been one who played nice in the sandbox – I just never imagine that one day I would be in reference to my children.  So for those of you who have your children always; may you never tire of the sounds of their laughter.  And for those, who like me, have to face the many consequences of our choice to divorce; may you cherish every moment you have, and may your heart be comforted when you have to share.