Little Prayers

If you ever want to know what is in the hearts of your children, stand outside their doors and eavesdrop on their prayers.  Or in my case, have your sweet daughter be so touched by a movie, she wrote hers down.

As I stated in an earlier post small voices, I think one of our biggest challenges as a parent is ensuring that we really take the time to truly listen to what are children are telling us or in most cases trying to tell us.     

This letter was written while I was on travel a couple months ago for the shuttle launch.  My trip kept getting extended as the program worked through issues to ensure a safe launch. When I finally came home I found this letter taped to my 7-year-old daughter’s door. (Exactly as written, not edited for spelling)

Help my Mom ples, that woud be great cuse she is giting in a devos and I want you to help her, ples pray for her. I love her a lot I wish she didet go to work cuse it fells like she is speding more time at work then she is with us, but she neds more money so she can get us things.

Upon reading this I learned that what I thought I had perfected as my game face was not fooling my children. In fact not only they could see my internal struggle as I walked through my challenges, they felt a responsibility to try to help me. Which no child should ever feel the need to carry such an adult’s burden.

I felt the pain of guilt for working so much, and always finding the rationale to justify my time away.  But most importantly it was a wake-up call and I came away with a desire and knowledge of an area I needed to improve.

I took this particular letter off her door and kept it in my room to read when a reminder was needed. 

With the kids gone for the weekend, I kept myself busy. But tonight (and this morning) I was struggling with some internal self evaluation after some difficult memories were triggered. I fired up the laptop (too cold for the front porch and cement stairs and my ankle are currently at odds) and decided to turn to my therapy writing to see if I could discover the root of my angst.

In the erie child-less quiet of my house – which feels wrong inside these walls – this reflection seemed even more brutal, as I was trying to piece together and understand my emotions, I saw my daughter’s folded note paper with the words on the outside, “To God from Belle, miss you God, love you.”

I stared in disbelief, I had read this letter multiple times, yet had failed to see what she had written on the outside – miss you God.

I realized how much of this journey I have really been trying to do by myself. Although I have not discovered the answers to my struggles tonight, I had a reminder from a tiny heart that it is a path I do not need to travel alone.

Christmas Prayer

As the Christmas season has drawn near, an internal battle ensues within the hearts of so many of individuals, who like me, have the heart-wrenching task of splitting this precious time and memories in their children lives.   And as I have written so many times, this is an extremely hard consequence that is only a result of our choices. 

So armed with my shield and sword I have forged forward this season trying with all my might to not have those thoughts of despair circum me.  However, every battle has not been successful.  I have been able to find the spark of Christmas spirit by listening to music, enjoying traditions with my children and capitalizing on the season to teach them the joys of giving – yet I have not be able to keep it lit.

The Christmas song that seems to fill my heart this season has been Where are you Christmas, from the Grinch. Even, my usual excitement of having the perfect Christmas gifts for my children has been tamed by this overhanging dread of the time when I have to let them go; followed by the thought of me alone in my empty house left with the evidence and ruminants of that morning.

I struggle writing this blog, because I usual attack my keyboard when I have discovered a solution that gives insight that will hopefully make a difference to another. Now I type with tear-filled eyes still searching for the medicine that will help ease the pain to so many hearts this season – many of them too tiny and innocent to be dealing with such heartache.  It is our children who pay the ultimate price in this game of love and loss.

So this post will be more of an analysis, as I attempt to find an answer to the most important question – why.  Why does an overwhelming feeling of loneliness fill so many people during this season, why can you feel homesick when you are already home, and why do so many of our consequences come at a price to those we love the most.

As I search for these answers looking around my decorated living room I am drawn to the same location – a manger (an odd conclusion for someone who has been struggling with my faith for years).  A replica of this humble scene sits on my piano with baby Jesus at the center and Mary and Joseph watching over him.  Right next to this nativity is a framed photo of my own new born son – peacefully sleeping. I realize the heartache and pain I am feeling is utterly the guilt I have for not only failing to protect my children from hurt, but being partially responsible for its cause.

I picked up the picture of my son, looking at his sweet angelic face and thought of the words to one of my favorite Christmas songs, Joseph’s Lullaby, by Mercy Me.  (If you have not heard this song, I recommend taking a moment to listen.)

I believe the glory of heaven is lying in my arms tonight, but Lord I ask that he,  for just this moment, simply be my child.

At this same moment, I received a call from my ex-mother-in-law who is not only the grandmother of my children but also my dear friend, even with the circumstances we are in.  She informed me that there was a death in their family, her nephew, a young father who has left this earth way too early.  

I talked to my girls and then cried on the phone with my ex husband who is at the house of this young man who just passed away.  He told me his little son is so confused and does not understand why is dad will not be coming home. I also thought about Joseph, holding Jesus in his arms knowing that he would not be able to afford him the protection he so wanted to provide.

I realized that what I am dealing is so insignificant – these feelings of despair, hopelessness and dread are pathetic and ultimately just selfish.  My children will just be gone for hours this holiday season, and I will see their face, hear their voices, touch their hands and listen to the sound of their beating hearts when they are sleeping. 

So my Christmas prayer is to send peace to those who have lost their children in this life and one of a thankful heart for blessing my life with one of the most glorious gift I have been given; my sweet little babies. Thank you for letting them simply by my children.

Finding Peace

My life seems to be continuously full of chaos and stress, especially over the past year; there are days when I just don’t know if I can take much more. In fact during the past six months, when I am in the confines of my room away from little ears, I found myself collapsed on the floor sobbing – a rarity for a strong independent woman who has built a shield against this type of emotion.  

This stress and awful internal angst, although partly a result of outside sources, is as equally a consequence of my own actions and choices. When you know you are responsible for some of the hell you are experiencing it is harder to overcome the pain and anger.  

As a result I initially found myself becoming extremely negative, angry and bitter.  Unfortunately these emotions were not limited to my own misery. It took someone telling me attitude was affecting others for me to step back (after I thought a few profanities under my breath).  I read through my statements I had posted and some of the emails I had wrote and I was sick inside.  The ugliness I was experiencing inside was being oozed out to those around me, and I was disgusted – this is not the person I am.

Which led to my first self-assessment on my front porch a few months ago; when I made my first goal – to work on a more positive outlook.  It was and still is an uphill battle to keep my chin up and to trudge ahead through all the *beep* and vile emotions that comes with divorce.

Through my quest to have a good attitude I discovered the way to do this is to look outside myself.  When you are no longer consumed with what is going on in your little world you start to truly see.  The world is full of happiness, joy and good people and you realize how much you have been missing.

I also realized that there is just as much sorrow and pain; so much it makes what I am going through seemed insignificant.  There were individuals who were desperately in need – and my biggest awakening is when I knew I could help them.  

The more I gave of myself, the more I started to feel peace, a condition I had unknowingly been seeking all along. Not peace as between two entities, which I thought is what I wanted, but a true calmness within my heart.  A softening of the turmoil that was raging within my soul – I began to feel like the true person I know I am inside.

Even if it was a small act like bringing a neighbors garbage can in from the street, helping a mother juggle her children in the store, letting a car in front of you in rush hour traffic or just listening to a friend in need, the tranquility  that filled my life started to balance out the torment  of my situation. 

This became clearer today, as I was talking to a friend who seemingly has a much easier path in life right now and I realized that given the chance, I would not trade him. 

Tonight as I held my son when he fell asleep and looked at his beautiful sleeping face, I knew that I found the secret to my midnights clear,  and I knew a key to gain more moments of calm in my tempests storm.

So I pass a challenge on to my many friends, and not just during this Holiday season when messages of giving and peace are abundant; look beyond yourself for opportunities to make a small difference in another person’s life.  Whether you are seeking it or not, by doing this, you too can be touch by this calmness from the ultimate example of serenity – The Prince of Peace.