My Babies

My Babies

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Finding Peace

My life seems to be continuously full of chaos and stress, especially over the past year; there are days when I just don’t know if I can take much more. In fact during the past six months, when I am in the confines of my room away from little ears, I found myself collapsed on the floor sobbing – a rarity for a strong independent woman who has built a shield against this type of emotion.  

This stress and awful internal angst, although partly a result of outside sources, is as equally a consequence of my own actions and choices. When you know you are responsible for some of the hell you are experiencing it is harder to overcome the pain and anger.  

As a result I initially found myself becoming extremely negative, angry and bitter.  Unfortunately these emotions were not limited to my own misery. It took someone telling me attitude was affecting others for me to step back (after I thought a few profanities under my breath).  I read through my statements I had posted and some of the emails I had wrote and I was sick inside.  The ugliness I was experiencing inside was being oozed out to those around me, and I was disgusted – this is not the person I am.

Which led to my first self-assessment on my front porch a few months ago; when I made my first goal – to work on a more positive outlook.  It was and still is an uphill battle to keep my chin up and to trudge ahead through all the *beep* and vile emotions that comes with divorce.

Through my quest to have a good attitude I discovered the way to do this is to look outside myself.  When you are no longer consumed with what is going on in your little world you start to truly see.  The world is full of happiness, joy and good people and you realize how much you have been missing.

I also realized that there is just as much sorrow and pain; so much it makes what I am going through seemed insignificant.  There were individuals who were desperately in need – and my biggest awakening is when I knew I could help them.  

The more I gave of myself, the more I started to feel peace, a condition I had unknowingly been seeking all along. Not peace as between two entities, which I thought is what I wanted, but a true calmness within my heart.  A softening of the turmoil that was raging within my soul – I began to feel like the true person I know I am inside.

Even if it was a small act like bringing a neighbors garbage can in from the street, helping a mother juggle her children in the store, letting a car in front of you in rush hour traffic or just listening to a friend in need, the tranquility  that filled my life started to balance out the torment  of my situation. 

This became clearer today, as I was talking to a friend who seemingly has a much easier path in life right now and I realized that given the chance, I would not trade him. 

Tonight as I held my son when he fell asleep and looked at his beautiful sleeping face, I knew that I found the secret to my midnights clear,  and I knew a key to gain more moments of calm in my tempests storm.

So I pass a challenge on to my many friends, and not just during this Holiday season when messages of giving and peace are abundant; look beyond yourself for opportunities to make a small difference in another person’s life.  Whether you are seeking it or not, by doing this, you too can be touch by this calmness from the ultimate example of serenity – The Prince of Peace.


  1. wow.... i read this and felt like you were describing me... you are not alone in your struggles..thanks for sharing.

  2. Trina Toe~ I didn't know you had a blog! I have read every word you have wrote and even shed a few tears. YOU are an amazing woman who has endured too much heartache in your years of life. Stay strong for those precious angels of yours and I'll check back often for your uplifting thoughts.